Happy birthday, minions. Exactly one year ago, Randominatrix landed on the Internet, leaving a cavernous crater like your mother’s twat (minus the grease). Since then, I have dutifully filled that gap with the chafed boner of inappropriate humor. And all the while you’ve been waiting for something of substance. Psych!
In exchange for your unending fealty, I will reward you by opening the extravagant, chocolate-covered gifts with which you have showered me. Then I’ll eat them, nipples and all. I will allow you to put on shows of extreme depravity for my amusement. And we can all have cheesecake. The marbled kind with chocolate sauce poured over it in a little zigzag.
On his historic occasion, I’m feeling some kind of compassion-like-substance sitting low in my gut. So I’ve decided to hand out one of my precious, obnoxious bears to one lucky reader. All you have to do to receive your bear is sacrifice all the other readers to satan, drink their delicious fluids and speak in tongues. Then write down the message you’ve received, decode it (it’s usually just backwards or in Swahili), e-mail it to me and yield all copyrights so I can use it in a YouTube video.
Or just send me a message with the three things that piss you off the most. If I don’t agree with your choices, I will promptly rape your e-mail and throw its broken body into the dumpster behind the Dippin’ Dots. But if I find your choices humorous, enraging or interesting, it will be tossed into the Jock Strap of Wonder. I will randomly select a good entry from the fabled groin harness on March 11th.
If your list is “religion, children, religion, children, religion,” I will find your parents, tear out your mother’s vagina and use it to strangle your father’s cock. Be a little creative. Use a full sentence to explain what, specifically, boils your testicles. And don’t give me any dangling fucking participles. Put a little work into it.
Just don’t lose sight of the reason for the season: me. I’ve been heaping my anger upon your shoulders for a year now, at a rate of two posts a week. And you bastards haven’t paid me one red cent. Pussy doesn’t count. I think it’s only fitting that you all send me $50 to cover the cost of my free hosting through WordPress. I accept PayPal.
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